One year ago today I woke up from surgery to a 29 cm incision marked with 26 stitches snaking its way across my skin where my breast used to be. The sobs that came, when I realized that my breast really was gone, were so strong that my back arched with each one. The recovery room nurse leaned down and whispered in my ear that she couldn’t do anything for my emotional pain but she could dry my tears. I will always be grateful for the tender way in which she cared for me, for being the first to facilitate healing of the deepest kind.
For weeks after I had stood in front of a mirror and looked at my incision, I had the wildest urge to lift my shirt and show every woman I met. What I really wanted was someone to stand beside me as I looked in the mirror and scream in the way that 12 year old girls do when they’ve had a good scare.
Intuitively I knew I needed to befriend my scar so I named it The Road of Transformation. The jury is still out on whether or not any inner transformation has taken place but over this past year I’ve become comfortable enough with my scar to now share it with you. Some mornings I stand in the shower and cup my hand under where my breast used to be, and still keen with grief.
Breast cancer is not pretty. I believe the nitty gritty reality of this disease needs to be shared openly and without shame. I share this photo for all the women out there who have yet to befriend their scar and cannot bring themselves to look in the mirror or who undress in the dark to spare their partner the same. I also share this photo in honour of my mom who has had breast cancer twice, a first cousin who has also had breast cancer and for the half a dozen friends who have had breast cancer in the past few years, some of whom are now dealing with metastatic breast cancer. I felt both empowered and vulnerable during the photo shoot and am honoured to participate in this project; may the healing continue.
by sean
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